Banking Explained

Subject: Banking explained

David bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he arrived and said, “I’m Sorry, but I have some bad news, the donkey died”.'

David replied, “Well, then just give me my money back”.

The farmer said, “I can't do that as I have spent it already”.

David said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey”.

The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”.

David said, “I'm going to raffle him off”.

The farmer said “You can't raffle off a dead donkey!”.

David said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead”.

A month later, the farmer met up with David and asked, “What happened

with that dead donkey?'”.

David said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds each

and made a profit of £898.00”.

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”.

David said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back”.

David now works for Goldman Sachs.

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's not a big deal in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Paddy and the Tax Man

ADDY AND THE TAX MAN

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.."